No is a word that I have some difficulty in using when it refers to asserting myself. I reproach myself when I do not use it and yet I am now in a situation where asserting myself would have meant depriving myself of some amazing experiences in rural living. Let me explain.
About a month a friend asked me for a favour: would I house sit a home that is about half an hour north-west of Prince George for a couple who would be escaping the winter scene for sunny Mexico but whose dog was going to be left at home? The main attraction for me was “we heat with a wooden stove”. Now there is something about heating a home in the winter with wood that cannot be duplicated with any other type of heating system. Furthermore, I love chopping wood. Don’t ask me why but it is an activity that I always recall doing with great pleasure. So I said “yes” but almost immediately there was some trepidation. I would be some distance from my grand-children so that they could not simply drop in for a short visit after school. I had already been squawking about not being in the environment of the big city buzz and now I was going into the country, removing myself even from the “small buzz” of Prince George … I kept ruminating on simply phoning and saying “NO, I have changed my mind”. But there was some hesitation so I didn’t. I came out on the first of February. I chopped wood and built great big comforting fires in the Franklin stove. My grand-children came out for the week-end and suddenly I felt that “all is well”.
Then the other evening, as I sat on the sofa reading and sipping a glass of Spanish Tempranillo, I looked up and a full moon was rising and peeking at me between the trees. The sight was breath-taking and will remain etched in my memory. I know that I would have missed that view in the city.
During the month that I kept vacillating: should I go? should I say no? I did not take any action to reverse my decision and I realized the evening of the full moon that had I been assertive I would have missed what I am experiencing out here in the country right now; the quiet calm bliss of pristine country scenery, a gentle dog’s welcoming wag, the therapeutic bliss of chopping wood (thank God that I do not need to carry water), and the memory of the powerful wonder of the universe – a rising moon that is truly a priceless gift for me to behold. That scene brought home to me the message that I need to be confident in the inner voice that knows what I really want and gently guides me. In this case that was the hesitation to assert myself and say no. I am always exactly where I am meant to be and to appreciate the present, the moment, is to capture true joy, true bliss!